Tatt’ed

“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then, you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart”

Jeremiah 29:11

Over the last 18 months, I have had a lot of highs and a lot of lows. I have cried, I have laughed, I have questioned myself, my thoughts, my sanity and the decisions that I have made. These feelings weren’t just around Kevin and the Brain Tumor (which is beginning to sound like a Children’s novel), but these thoughts were around me in my professional life, my marriage, my plans for the future, who I was, what trajectory my life was going, where I would be in 10 years and what was my life going to look like, or not going to look like. I was no longer resembling a duck (paddling like hell under the water and looking cool and calm on the top), but I was instead floundering like a fish out of water, gasping for air (or water in the case of a fish). About a year ago, my anxiety had reached an all time high, depression had filled my head and heart, I couldn’t look up to see out.

Throughout this time I spent a lot of time in prayer, asked a lot of favors to God, asked him to send me some signs, made a few deals (I know you aren’t supposed to do that) and prayed some more. I spent a lot of time questioning the answers (or the lack of answers) that God had given me, asking why, hoping for some sort of rationale or explanation so that I could see where I was going, what I was doing and what the future held for me. Then…. the tumor came.

Now that the tumor is gone, I have a new husband, we have a very rare opportunity at marriage 2.0. The kids have a new father and we have a new life. Sounds great right? It is, but I struggled for the first 6 months with the new Kevin, I felt like I was married to a man who I hadn’t met, but we had kids and a house together. I would brace for a typical Kevin reaction to a situation, and the reaction wouldn’t come. Neither reaction was bad, it was just different.

The last 18 months of heightened anxiety were not just about my marriage, there were a myriad of other situations that only came together to create ‘the not-so-perfect storm.’ I would find myself in prayer and still questioning God’s plan for me and my family.

I can’t tell you when or where I remembered Jeremiah 29:11, but at some point this last summer, I told myself that you can’t do it alone, you aren’t supposed to do it alone, you have to put your faith and trust in God. It was such a comforting and reassuring thought that our Lord has a plan for each of us, and he is constantly providing us protection.

Does that mean that evil won’t happen? No, it still exists in this world for the reason of sin.

Does this mean that my anxiety goes away? No, it’s a mental condition that you learn tools and strategies to work through

Does it relieve some of the anxiety? Absolutely.

To help me do a better job of remembering that I am not always the one in control, I got a tattoo. Something I have always wanted, (but I have commitment issues on permanent things, yes, I see the irony all the way around). So on my left forearm I have Jeremiah 29:11-13 in the shape of a cross – so every time I look down I am reminded of His promise to me.

And to answer the first question asked by everyone, yes it hurt – it hurt a lot – I know where Kennedy gets her lack of pain tolerance from (me). After he started on it, it was too late to say no (it’s permanent ya know).