Why a Website?

For those of you who know my family, know that I was blogging this summer in the midst of my husband being diagnosed with a brain tumor. It was a way for me to share information in a quick and succinct setting without having to answer the same questions again and again. During that time I was also taking a graduate level course on qualitative research methods, the professor was challenging us each week to write in a more descriptive style, that would continue to enhance our academic writing. Over the summer, I found myself writing hundreds of pages, some of which I published to our blog. Some of the pages I never shared with anyone, while others I shared, but never published. I began to enjoy writing, I found comfort in my writing and others seemed to enjoy it.

I have always been very self-conscious about my writing (since a certain high school teacher told me how awful I was my Junior year), so sharing my writing and then having others comment on it so much, I have conintued to take those leaps. At the end of the summer of 2020 I started to write a book, it is about 30-40% done, but due to grad school commitments, two small children, and a full time job; something had to take a hiatus. When I stopped writing the book and blogging I found that two things happened:

1. I missed writing, I found myself writing posts in my head, driving to work, walking, working out. I was mentally writing a blog post wherever I went. I wanted to share my thoughts in a virtual setting, but I didn’t necessarily want a blog. I need to put my thoughts down, and I don’t want them to get lost in a 100 page google document.
   
2. There are things that still happen in regards to Bartholomew, that story is not over (will it ever be?), but it is a new chapter. It is a chapter of change and discovery, some of it I want to share, in the hopes that others can relate and find hope.

With the beginning of the new year, I also started taking care of me. I started to see a therapist, to process all of the emotions and thoughts that I had from 2020. Towards the end of 2020 I found myself treading water, barely able to keep my head above. To the average person, I had it together, but to those close to me, they knew that I was having panic attacks about the brain tumor being back, anxiety about my thoughts and feelings from the summer, towards my marriage, about my fear that changes would not being permanent. It was as if at the end of the year I was finally able to start to feel all of the emotions that others felt this summer when Kevin was first diagnosed with Bartholomew. While the emotions were not new, I had subconsciously numbed them so that I could prioritize other needs. Now that Kevin was done with radiation and we had affirmation that the tumor was 100% gone, KJ had started kindergarten and Avery was in pre-school, I started to feel these emotions and new that I needed help to process them.

I know that when I feel vulnerable, I write. I know that when I feel frustrated or confused, I write. I know that when I write, I become vulnerable. I also know that there are others who are going through these same emotions, thoughts and feelings, and they are doing it silently. I hope that my words show you that you don’t have to go through it alone, that there are others who are struggling. If anything, know that you are not alone.

So for all of these reasons (and I’m sure there are more) – I created a website, to challenge myself to write, to challenge myself to find time each week (or so) to process me and to challenge myself to figure out how in the world to navigate a word press website!