The Other 10%

In December of 2020, Kevin had an MRI done of his brain to confirm that radiation was successful. While Kevin never really reacts or shows a tremendous amount of emotion, I was compensating for it in every way imaginable. Every time Kevin would forget something, not know an answer to something I thought he should, or even engage (or not engage) in a conversation the way I thought he should, I would panic. I would assume that even though the brain tumor was removed, that he and I were no longer compatible. I would assume that the tumor was back and it was aggressively growing. I would assume the absolute worst. I did it every time. The amount of angst and anxiety I had growing and leading up to that doctor’s appointment, was growing, and it was beginning to affect other people in our family.

I was finding myself in what I assume those who are in a state of manic feel. I felt this way because I knew that only one thing was true, even though I wanted to place blame elsewhere. I knew that the way that Kevin was in December was truly him, and no longer a brain tumor. Any personality or character flaws were here to stay. The excuse “oh that was caused by the brain tumor” was no longer applicable. Even if the tumor had started to grow, it was slow growing enough that we would not see major personality differences. My anxiety was all of these things, all bundled into one.

We met that day with Dr. Ma and he confirmed that the brain tumor was in fact completely gone. He was beyond pleased with the way that Kevin had responded to radiation and that he was doing as well as he was (which led us to question how other people with the same type of radiation felt). With only a 10% chance of returning to the same spot, Kevin was technically “cured” and he was satisfied, but I was not. For me the percentage 10% in the medical world is high, for me it seemed unacceptable. I had about 10 additional questions about the other 10%, the plan then (no more radiation, only surgery), at what point the 10% decreased (it doesn’t), and then Dr. Ma looked at me and said “Sarah, focus on the 90%….. focus on the good in the situation.”

If 2020 taught me anything (it taught me a lot), but I realized that not everyone plays the ‘what if…. worst case scenario” game. Some people don’t even know that it exists! I know who the people in my life are, that if I need a solid game, I can call and say “what if….. and then fill in the blank.” Most of the time these people don’t even know they are playing the game. Then there are other people, like Kevin, who stop me in my tracks. Who bring me just a little more back to reality, who help and put things into perspective.

Some people picked a word to focus on for 2021, and while I did that, there’s still a lot of work to do there. What I am trying to do is to show a little more positivism, trying to show a little more hope, trying to show a little more patience (trying is the key word), and trying to appreciate our world and our life for what it is in the moment, not what it will be tomorrow, in a year or in 5 years. If I spend the rest of my life assuming the worst case scenario is just around the corner, then where is the joy in living? There isn’t much. I’ve been there. I don’t want to go back.